Memories of a call

How come?
These moments, actions and words made my life so different, so easily...
Like an enchantment, making me fly away and feel like walking on clouds,
like an endless song, making me wish to dance without even knowing how to.
These are my heart beats.
I smile at everything, for being everything so pleasant now.
I hope it can happen over and over again...
I'm so sure. I'm so hopeful.
Imagination can't be as big as this simple thing.
All I want is to listen to you once more..


I wrote this a day after calling you for the first time. Remember that when you told me to call you, it took forever to finally talk to you? I was so nervous that I've mistaken the numbers more than 5 times! Then we couldn't really talk much because your grandma were coming back...

Define yourself

Is what you do that defines what you are
or
is what you are that defines what you do?

Isso...

"Parecia que não ia acontecer com a gente
nosso amor era tão firme, forte, diferente..."

Twirl

Half an year has passed.
In my whole life, this have been the time that I've mostly lived with so many things happening at the same time.
It's been 6 months, 1 week and 1 daay by now. It's so hard to live with so many ups and so many downs, when you're used with constancy. If I could could change past, I would, by being more wise and more strong and less stupid. To be a good person.
Idk whether holding everything within is a good thing, but I do, which makes me remember I'm on my own sometimes.
My heartbearts are naive arms trying to embrace and warm my spinning mind up.
My family have no idea about anything, but they're always there and will always make me feel like a brother and a son, even if not the best one. They might complain (possibly a lot of times), but I know they accept me...
By now, I"m lacking energy...

To Myself

Dear Myself,

What happened, had to happen.
Tears are inner scars you let people see.
What's the use of not expressing your sadness when you're sad,
being unable to express your happiness when you're happy?
Your destiny doesn't lie in past nor future.
The will you have within is very strong.
You're brave, no matter what you might think.
Fight for the dreams you have, whatever fate might bring.
And don't close your eyes for the amazing world you live into,
where the magic of Nature pleases your soul,
without asking anything back.
Learn with the book of Life.

Rafael.

Changes

Even though I've just passed through a change some time ago, I have to change more.
From the changes I've already passed through, the hardest ones were the ones imposed by Life. I've made a lot of progress with the changes I've self imposed, being less shy, facing my fears (I'm still under this changing, btw), growing up. I recognized them, I needed them and I was willing to change them. I did in my own pace and my own way, daring myself and testing myself.
But when everything seems to be okay and your most inner belief in a big YES turns out to be a bigger NO, how bad it would be. Imagine Hagrid (Harry Potter), when he got his dragon egg and has been taking care of it until it start to crack. And once it's cracked, he finds out that the egg was empty. For a long time his dream was a dragon and imagine how amazing it was for him to finally get a dragon egg! He was counting each day to give birth to it and patiently taking care of it. What would it be if the dragon wasn't really there?
Life is not all good like that sometimes and no matter how strong or okay you seem to be, you would be sad inside.
Now try to find out, among all of my friends, if they've ever seen me as weak or having personal problems or whining? Now I think of Auri. I feel bad for her for having to hear my problems all at once when she was the one who needed to be heard, even though I believed in the endless solution that would come out of the egg.
This change has already started and It's a absolutely no comfortable thing, but I'm trying my best to make it happen.

ps0: I'll need The Sacred Enlightment for my exams. I wonder how I'm going to pass my courses.
ps1: I have some June posts, but I might write them later... probably in July.
ps2: June rocks!

Prude

Prude
(noun) One who is excessively concerned with being or appearing to be proper, modest, or righteous.

WORD HISTORY: Being called a prude is rarely considered a compliment, but if we dig into the history of the word prude, we find that it has a noble past. The change for the worse took place in French. French prude first had a good sense, “wise woman,” but apparently a woman could be too wise or, in the eyes of some, too observant of decorum and propriety. Thus prude took on the sense in French that was brought into English along with the word, first recorded in 1704. The French word prude was a shortened form of prude femme (earlier in Old French prode femme), a word modeled on earlier preudomme, “a man of experience and integrity.” The second part of this word is, of course, homme, “man.” Old French prod, meaning “wise, prudent,” is from Vulgar Latin prōdis with the same sense. Prōdis in turn comes from Late Latin prōde, “advantageous,” derived from the verb prōdesse, “to be good.” Despite this history filled with usefulness, profit, wisdom, and integrity, prude has become a term of reproach.

source: http://www.bartleby.com/ (link, June 20th, 2008)


To be proper, modest, or righteous is not disapproving. What makes it a term of reproach is the excess prude people may do under the view of a more tolerant person.

Miyavi's show

Last night I went to Miyavi's show! It took almost one hour for me to get ready, since the time I looked at the clock until the time I took my keys, money, cel phone and left.
I took a bus in Raposo Tavares until Consolação/Paulista, where I took another bus. Still in Paulista, I saw the lesbians event and heard some old people commenting about that. "(...) and that's why god punish them (...)" was one of the comments. Well, even tho Brazil has so many different ethnics and cultures and ideologies and options, there are people that aren't open to certain things.
When I got there, the caretaker opened the gate and I entered. I got into a small room with a glass door ahead. Through it, I could see a large room with some few tables and almost as few people. Then I turned right and there was a mother with her child and the caretaker. "Erm... Where's the Miyavi's show?" I asked and he replied: "They changed the show to another place. It's already happening." At that time I was already thinking about asking for my money back, but I went there anyway.
So I took the subways and went to the street that woman told me, "It's at São Joaquim street." Well, there I was in the right street, but wait, where in that street was it?! "Erm..." I looked around when I saw a japanese girl who seemed to be going there. "Excuse me, are you going to Miyavi's show?" I asked and she replied "No." I thanked her anyway and kept going on. So I entered a place that seemed to have some people there, but after one minute, I saw few old old, few young people, all spiffy and turned back. "That's definitely not here." I thought when I stepped out and saw that girl. "She must have come the the wedding party. Oh well..." I thought again. I was walking more when that girl called me. "I've just remembered what it's about! It's in Bunkyo, you just have to go ahead!" The girl told me and I thanked her again. Thinking now, I think I should have asked her name to thank her again in this blog for being so nice and helpful, even though I was going ahead anyway.
When I finally got there, It was full of people until the entrance of the hall. So I poked a girl and asked if it's been a long time since they started. "You've lost only two songs." She replied when I noticed that she had facial hair and masculine traces. Well, I hope people don't mistake myself with a girl for having long hair too!
It was very crowded there and I could hardly get any close to see Miyavi, so as someone got out from the hall, I went to that way. A physics law states that two bodies can't be at the same place at the same time. Following that logic, if a body leaves, another can be in that place. So I sneaked ahead and got a closer place! Haha that happened a few more times when I was almost half-way to the stage.
I was there and looking at the side, I saw a girl trying to take a picture. "HEY! WOULD YOU LIKE I TAKE THE PICTURE FOR YOU?!" By then, it was possible to communicate yelling only, trying to be nice/helpful. "No, I'm trying to record a video, actually." She yelled back. O-okay. They were on my side, but somehow she and her friend managed to be in front of me. A few minutes ahead, the song was cool and that girl's friend started to jump and rub on me. With a WTF face I stepped back, thinking that it wouldn't be any good. A few ahead, she went to another place. Good.
From the songs I know he played, they were Are You Ready to Rock and Senor Senora Senorita, among others. I think I missed Selfish Love, the song I was expecting to watch. Oh, well...

Responsibility

Some days ago, I've been stressed, as some of you might already know.
Well, the good news is that I'm not, anymore. The bad one is that I have another problem. I'm lacking responsibility.
Over the last days, I've been relaxing and getting rid of my stress, by letting all those stressful things aside, Relaxing and enjoying the time I have with things that pleases me, like listening to songs, organizing my email, talking, specially with my beloved one, drawing, missing some classes and one or another workday.
In my thoughts, I got into the conclusion that the more you HAVE to do, the more stress you get when the deadline is close. That might be obvious, but I don't think about it all the time and figuring this out made me think about what to do concerning everything. I think that the choice I made helped me in a lot of ways, relieving in a sense that I needed to do it all.
On the other hand, My academic life froze. I know that I'm going to stress once I get back into it, but now I can bear it. For the next one month and half, It's going to be not as hard as if I didn't had this break.
Another point of view that I was thinking about is that it could be concidered as a burst of responsibility lack. I've put my entertainment and my self pleasure before work and duties, because that's what matters to earn money. It's so wrong, I must admit, but It's not that often that I do it and, besides that, these might be some of my last chances of doing things wrong before I start to work and depend on a job and money to survive.

But there are values that not money can buy, like the picture above. Despite all, I have no doubt it worths. I love you so, hon.

Emptying mind

I've just figured out that I have to empty my mind.
You know when it's all polluted and saturated with things stuck? It's not a good thing, believe me. So what am I going to do? Let them gradually dissolve or kick their asses off by force?
Well, I got this thing before and what I've done so far is to bear until it's vacation, so I can relax all the time I couldn't before. This time is different, tho. I've never done so many things like now, haven't lived so subject to so many things before. I think that no extreme way would help much.
I'm going to try to balance.. such that it can be bearable until a I can do a real rest. Probably emptying my mind sometimes, somehow. Is there a way to do it everyday? Oh, yeah, my mind can be completely empty with the right stimuli. But sometimes my mind doesn't get into it completely and that's not exatly a good thing. I want to find something that makes me completely forget about my tasks or things I have to do for some time, that makes me forget about my responsibilities. It would relieve a scream so stuck within.
With the weather getting cold (I know, it might not be that cold. Haha. But it's still cold!), the options are not so wide. And thinking about things I can do indoor, I've just figured out that I still can do some entertaining stuff, like watching, talking, reading... physical activities! And good rests, of course.
I'm going to set a limit time to stop doing the stuff I have to do at about 20h30 and 21h30, if there is something really important. Then, for the rest of the time, I'm going to use it completely for myself, including everything else, mainly to talk, specially with my love. Then bed.
I'm going to start it tomorrow because it's already late and I need a time to prepare myself, but I'm not going to bed late today, as I still have some headache that's been lasting over the last few days.
Well, it's dinner time. I'll write more soon. I don't consider it as a task, btw.

ps: I've just seen this rating thing. I was like "WTF?!" Haha. I think it would be interesting to keep it on, tho.

About Duality

Haha Okay, I know that the title of my last post doesn't make much sense to the post itself, but I'll explain it further.
Duality is the idea of coexistence of opposites that complements each other. Some say that these opposites are conflituous, like good and bad. Well, why do they necessarily have to be conflituous? Do they have to be conflituous just because they're opposites? Some say this conflict is generated by a fight for power. The surpassing of one over another, just like ideas of winner and looser, strong and weak and so on. But instead of dissensions, why not simplily accept their existence?
That's the why of the coexistence term, in my conception. This is the idea behind this new layout. And of course, following this idea, there is a lot of meaning behind the elements used, that's completely free to the reader to imagine about.

Next duality

On the last posts, I've commented that things were happening, a lot of them, by the way. I might write about them sooner or later, but for now, I would like to write about the change in my blog.
I wanted to reflect the changes in my life on my blog template and by doing so, I hope I could express myself in a better way. This layout emanates a different energy as the elements and colors have different qualities, even though some elements were kept.
But by now, due to lack of time to do other stuff and needing to go to bed (it's already late for the time I had to go to bed), I'll leave my explanations about the layout and everything else for later.
See you!

Fireflies

Fireflies in the air,
some light they share.
They meet, they dance,
enjoying in every chance.
Flying, the group shines.
Along the path, silent rhymes
But in the night we can't know
when predators themselves show.
This time is a different one, tho,
the energies are out of their flow.
And at the diverging path of life
the little fireflies, fly their lives

Algorithm Analysis first exam

I'm fatigated and frustated about the Algorithm Analysis first exam I had today. But you know what, thinking about it just makes me stressed. I'm going to do something entertaining and relax for now, because I still have a lot more comming soon.

Updates coming soon

Hey there! I have so much to write and so much to update here! I won't do it right now, since I have to translate this article for my mom. It's weird, cool and funny all at the same time to know that my mom is studying again! Haha. She's studying about implants.
I also have an exam this thursday for Algorithm Analysis. It's an interesting subject, but I haven't studied much and that makes me worried as the exam time comes. I'm going to study tomorrow, I have I can do it in time, tho. But once it's over, I'm going to be so relieved and free to do other stuff!!
Hmm... I'm writting more than expected. I'll write more soon enought! But there's something I have to say that would make me not sleep well if I don't say.

Aurianna, past had to happen and it has its own importance, but it lies in past now. I love you and I feel so beloved by you! I'm not really good with words, but I'm sure there are no word that can describe the feeling of being beloved by someone you love so much! It's ours and I'll take care of it... I'll take care of you as the most precious thing I can ever have. I love you, baby.

Fortune telling

I have just my fortune told by Tith. I didn't believe in it before and I still don't completely believe it. Well, there are some issues, like sensitiveness, fullmoon, emptyness, that managed to happen when it came up. Here is the result, said in that order.

Number: 16
Your not ready for change yet, but things will become better in the very end. You will gain enlightenment and freedom. Just give it time.

Number: 2
Confusion, hesitation, inability to make choices, inability to properly utilise time or talents, Lack of inspiration or energy. Giving up easily, poor self image, poor co-ordination and sometimes learning difficulties.

Number: 5
You are a seeker after knowledge and wisdom, you give good advice and teach well.

Number: 8
Control of passion agasint one's baser instincts.


Somehow, I just keep this saying rounding in my mind. "Wanna make god laugh? Tell him your plans."

Updates

Long time since my last update, huh? A lot happened and I kinda forgot about my posts here.
Where should I start?...
Okay, I'm going for the most recent news first!!
I'm currently writing from my new station, located in a possible new informatics department at Sociedade Brasileira de Progresso da Ciência! (SBPC) I'm going to start working here, but for now I'm moving the equipaments to this room - technically I'm already set here - and making some backups, before I can finally format, reinstall all stuff and begin to do something. It seems to be a nice environment, despite Thiago, Paulinho and Fernanda scared me about stressing times.
I hope those things don't happen much often, but it's going to be good. I'm going to earn a humble wage, but it's going to be for a greater goal!
Valentines happened last week and I wasn't really prepare for that. Even though I had like.. 2 or 3 weeks, I didn't know what to do and delayed on starting to do something. Well, I'm still working on it and soon it will be finished! (I hope)
The backup is done for now. I'm going to write more and keep my blog up to date as soon as I remember and have some free time!

Be welcome, 2008!

The year of 2007 is already over. So many things happened. So many moments were present. In the end of the year before, I felt that 2007 was going to be a nifty year. I've also got several goals as a daring challenge.
Last year started nifty, more than every year I've ever had before! It was in February when it came to it's top moment. It was when I firstly felt how it is to be loved from a person I love so deeply, in a such passionate way. I was also doing great at studies and I was on the right path for the goal of time fixing.
In general, I gave my best. On most of the times, I could successfully get rid of my lazyness, for doing a lot of things I wouldn't do if I didn't decided to not be lazy. Some few times were really hard and I've found out something curious. The more oily food I eat, the more lazy I get! Haha. I know it's weird, but I've proved it by observing myself and relating everything. Again, I know that nobody reads my blogs, but if you, non-existent reader read this part and try to observe yourself about the oily food, tell me, by comment or emailing. I'm curious to know whether it works for other people too.
The goals related to my mind, like to pay more attention, to be more socializable and to have a better memory were like the hardest ones.
Not all the year was good, tho. A hard time came about March and it lasted for some time. I've also had my worse birthday I've ever had. Honestly, I really don't like to write about the bad things that happens to be because it happens very often, specially times when I feel down, sad and all the times my mood swings. I want to get rid of them, but how to do so? Uhn... I've just got an idea, but I want to make it another topic.
In this year I got my most stressful time too. For college, I've got tons of works to do and subjects to study in the end of the semester. It's been almost a month like that.
I have some other points too, but they are kinda related to what I want to write in the future.

Happy 2008 for everyone!!!