A quite irresponsible moment

I must confess I have an important exam next wednesday, but I just can't concentrate on studying. I think I'm feeling what many have already felt, but that I never did, before university: lack of motivation by questioning what's important in life. I grew up blindfolded to that question. My parents used to complain of how hard it was to save money and that we should work to get money to help them pay the bills. They didn't say or admit it, but they would still regularly exchange their cars, but would resist on paying for english classes for their children. Not only that, but the sum of many other things I was told, and the frustration comming from them, makes me just feel like an immediate return is more certain than a distant promise. I should study, but my mind has definately been taken by the wind.

Tas

About five years ago, dad brought an old labrador home from his client. He used to walk with difficulty when he arrived home, but he learned where to do his needs and to find the food and water. He didn't use to bark without need and was always quiet in his spot. But then it came a time when he couldn't walk anymore, even though he tried his best efforts to do so. We had to give him more attention and care, ever since, giving him food and water, cleaning and covering him when it started to get cold. I must admit we lack patience sometimes, by waking up at night or having to interrupt our tasks to satisfy his needs, and I'm sorry for those times. But he only barked to ask for some help with something he would actually do by himself, without disturbing anyone. How hard it is to need something, like eating and drinking, but not be able to do it by ourselves. I don't know his past, nor his future, but he was a good boy and strived for his life until the last moment. He changed out lives and left an empty spot. I hope you're doing fine, wherever you are, Tas. Rest in peace. Tas: aprox. ??/??/1995 - 12/november/2011

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you.

You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley

Care

When I was a kid, I used to see the sad faces from people and animals. It used to make me so sad, I always wanted to help or give them some care.

Like a teenager...

I got a crush... but I'm afraid of breaking my heart with someone who I care so much and have known for so long.

Taken away

A night before last I dreamed I as laying down, when a little wild bird landed besides me, letting me touch and pet him. Suddenly a cat came and ate the bird. Last night I dreamed that I finally got to meet a girl, here in São Paulo, but a friend of mine impressed her so much she didn't even talk to me. In the end, we seemed to be strangers.

At restaurant, with parents

My parents are humble people. They came from a small town, five hours away from where we currently are. Since then, they worked to buy their own things, from zero, and to raise four children. They worked so hard for years, but now they are in a transition time when people should stop working and enjoy life the way they couldn't before.

The problem with raising so many children is that everything involving all the family can be very expensive and a way to save some money is to buy those food which can safisty six people within a reasonable price. Now everyone is grown up and have their life running on, but my parents are so used to that life that they need some help with taking the first steps.

Well, as my sisters and their attachments (a.k.a. boyfriends) are not here, I asked them if they didn't want to have dinner in a restaurant. There are some suggestions of restaurants close to where we are, but their argument is that they are expensive. So I suggested a cheap chinese restaurant, Chi Fu, and they embraced the idea.

It took a while to dress up and finally leave, when I found out the restaurant's calling time is 22h. It was ten to nine post meridiem. We left, and while dad was driving us, I was  wondering if we could arrive in time and making strategies to make it work and eventually considering a B plan.

We got there and Chi Fu was still open and full of people, fortunately. We found a free table at the end of the restaurant hall and we looked over the menu. There were many options and I adviced them that each portion can satisfy well the three of us. So we ordered pasta with seafood. In the meanwhile, a couple arrived at the restaurant and as there were no more tables, the waiter asked us if we could share a table. The asian woman and the man with a cap discreetly took their places.

We ate the food and got all satisfied. I think mom loved the place and dad loved the price. She was even thinking on taking my uncle and aunt there. They are farmers, and like my parents, they are not used to going to restaurant either. I'm happy and proud of them, since they broke this mind barrier and actually went to a restaurant without hesitating and worry much about money the way they would, some years ago.

Snap Thought #13

People are born with a good and pure heart.

Yet another existencial crisis

I've been trying to study Calculus IV today, but I haven't been into the mood for that. Actually, I think I can't been much into the mood for many things, really. I got this feeling that all of my efforts are worthless. And it makes me wonder what my existence is all about. To do all the worthless things? To survive? I learned how to get rid of those those thoughts, making myself busy and not thinking about it. It won't ease my silenced inner self, tho. I can't feel I grow up as a person who works for making our beautiful planet a better place to live, but a toolmaker, who makes tools so others can use and change world at their will, since they got the power to do so.

I'm sure I'm not the first and won't be the last to reflect about it, but this kind of reflection came in such an early stage in my life, when I still got absolutely nothing in return to the society. The only thing I got are questions that nobody can answer, but that I should find it myself.

Sex

I went to my friend's party today and listening to some of my friends, I found out a bit of their sexual life. Apparently, from what I heard before, I could deduce it, but listening to themselves is another thing. Straight to the point, they had sex with many girls along their life. And sometimes, even while they still have a girlfriend.

While I listened to them, I couldn't say anything because I grew up with different values, experiences and environments. I just wanted to listen about their stories, tho. And it made me wonder if, by being different from them, I'm missing anything by not having some sex experiences like them.

If I think on the pleasure I would have and the knowledge about conquering girls I would learn, then yes, I'm missing a lot. But it probably wouldn't make my heart beat any stronger.

Snap Thought #12

I used to believe the most important things doesn't depend on time.

Aquarela (Toquinho)

Aquarela
Toquinho

Numa folha qualquer
Eu desenho um sol amarelo
E com cinco ou seis retas
É fácil fazer um castelo
Corro o lápis em torno da mão
E me dou uma luva
E se faço chover
Com dois riscos tenho um guarda chuva
Se um pinguinho de tinta
Cai num pedacinho azul do papel
Num instante imagino
Uma linda gaivota a voar no céu
Vai voando,
Contornando a imensa curva norte sul
Vou com ela viajando
Havaí, Pequim ou Istambul
Pinto um barco a vela,
Branco, navegando,
É tanto céu e mar num beijo azul
Entre as nuvens vem surgindo
Um lindo avião rosa e grená
Tudo em volta colorindo
Com suas luzes a piscar
Basta imaginar e ele está partindo,
Sereno, lindo,
E, se a gente quiser,
Ele vai pousar
Numa folha qualquer
Eu desenho um sol de partida
Com alguns bons amigos
Bebendo de bem com a vida
De uma América a outra
Consigo passar num segundo
Giro um simples compasso
E num círculo eu faço o mundo
Um menino caminha
E caminhando chega num muro
E ali logo em frente
A esperar pela gente o futuro está
E o futuro é uma astronave
Que tentamos pilotar
Não tem tempo nem piedade
Nem tem hora de chegar
Sem pedir licença
Muda nossa vida
E depois convida
A rir ou chorar
Nessa estrada não nos cabe
Conhecer ou ver o que virá
O fim dela ninguém sabe
Bem ao certo onde vai dar
Vamos todos numa linda passarela
De uma aquarela
Que um dia enfim
Descolorirá
Numa folha qualquer
Eu desenho um sol amarelo
(que descolorirá)
E com cinco ou seis retas
É fácil fazer um castelo
(que descolorirá)
Giro um simples compasso
E num círculo eu faço o mundo
(que descolorirá)
Corro o lápis em torno da mão
E me dou uma luva
(que descolorirá)

Existential Crisis

I try different cuisines
I watch new and old films
I listen to eclectic songs
I read articles and books
I hand out with friends
I work on projects

But everything has been so empty...

Snap Thought #11

I wonder what people feel when I talk to them; specially those I like to talk to.

Superheroes

What makes super heroes so special is not how amazing their powers are or how to try to solve every problem, specially the personal ones, but how to be themselves, special in their own ways.

-----

The stories of those heroes doesn't start with a defined purpose. A purpose grows up as they live, in a butterfly effect way, to change everything, sometimes unravelling their powers.

Snap Thought #10

I was raised figuring things out by myself.

Parties

Yesterday I went to two parties. The first one was a virtual one with some fellow Brazilian guys I talk to at Gaia Online. It was a themed party where the boys wear like girls and vice-versa. I stayed there for only one hour, but it was still fun! And it was also an interesting experience, finding out that, even though they would wear like the opposite gender, some of them would still constraint their minds to their actual gender. I mean, they don't like to play the role of the opposite sex. Consequently, would they be able to think as if they were the other party?
The other party I went to was at my friend's new home. He moved to a place just about 10 minutes away from where I am and we drunk, ate pizzas, listened to music, talked and played poker all the night. He found a really good place and we had a lot of fun. I can do a dealer now with my newly improved shuffling skills! Lol

The Art of Unrelated Things

I randomly came up with this title in my mind and it's so cool that I decided to use it as a new temporary address to my blog. Cool title, huh?

Introspection

I gotta find a way to deal with my sad introspections. I don't really believe introspections are sad by nature, but the opposite. It's a way to touch our inner most side, to not only see it's shape, but to feel it's essence. This sad side within me is something I probably can't do much anymore, but to leave it in a memory box, untouched. It hurts me, but it's mine to keep it.

Should I...

...celebrate three sad years?

Sleepy/tired weekend

For an unknown reason, I've been really tired/sleepy this weekend. I might relate to this the fact of visiting, last Friday, a health care unit, which was being quite crowded with people looking for anti-influenza vaccine, but I can't really say for sure.

Blogtherapy

To blog has been a therapy to me.

I've been a game addict between the end of 2009 and beginning of 2010. I failed many subjects due to that. The addict was back again in April of the current year. The source of the addiction comes from the Heroes of Newerth game and I've recently decided to stop it again, in the beginning of the week.

Over the last weeks, I've actually tried to stop the addiction for several times, but I've always faced the same problem. Thoughts about game strategies, boredom and the motivation to play, coming from the challenge the game gives me usually made me go back to the game, even though I still got a lot of stuff to do for life. I suppose I don't really have to list the bad an addiction brings, whatever addiction it is.

Well. If I got stuff to do, why don't I do them? I've been kinda conflicting myself with some value changes, breaking the balance between responsibilities and pleasures. Long ago my mind was set only to one's responsibilities. Then I found out life can be a pleasant thing. But something happened and I got mad at responsibilities and had been trying to get rid of them as much as I could. I turned into a slacker and I was absolutely not proud at all of it.

To write is a pleasant thing. It is to me, at least. It makes me think and eventually express myself. To write is a challenge, to write is an art, it requires skills and practice. Still, it's free and everyone can do it. It's support for the many activities a person has, like socializing, talking, interacting, breathing.

And then there is life. How can one live with problems issuing them? People has huge powers over themselves, but they usually get immersed into a big inertia. A therapy helps one in the hard task of not getting back into the feeling the inertia gives us.

I've got two sides within myself. A dependent side and an independent side. For a long while the dependent one has been overwhelming, but it's time for the independent one to be back to its track again.

The best Friday the 13th begining.

Yesterday I came back from college, worked on a task, had dinner and come to my room to spare some time at the computer. It's been almost a week since I received this friend request from a YouTube user. I have no idea who this person is, but I decided to check their videos, about some groups making dancing and singing and even acting performances. They are so much fun! I even felt like joining and participating some group! Lol After that I talked to someone I missed lots. The talk was so kind... I went to bed so happy!

The Projects Project

I got the idea of starting the projects project today. I consists of small projects I would blog about. They are supposed to be kept small projects and, thus, have a small scope and duration. I haven't really yet thought much about it, but they will be self-explaining and and easy going thing.

Irony

When I was coming back home from college, I saw a japanese guy who seemed to be weak. Then I thought myself what a poor guy he would be if he were sad and crying like a baby. I've been in such a misery.

Lack

I miss Happiness. And losing it still hurts me so bad... I go to bed and secretly cry, right before sleeping or right after waking up. When it happens, I feel like writing them, but I usually don't. Some say that to pretend to be okay makes one to be okay. To the sight of the others I'm okay, but I'm such a big liar to my own self.

Dancing With Myself (Billy Idol)

Dancing With Myself
Billy Idol

On the floor of Tokyo
Or down in London town to go, go
With the record selection
And the mirror's reflection
I'm dancing with myself

When there's no-one else in sight
In the crowded lonely night
Well I wait so long
For my love vibration
And I'm dancing with myself

Oh dancing with myself
Oh dancing with myself
Well there's nothing to lose
And there's nothing to prove
I'll be dancing with myself

If I looked all over the world
And there's every type of girl
But your empty eyes
Seem to pass me by
Leave me dancing with myself

So let's sink another drink
'Cause it'll give me time to think
If I had the chance
I'd ask the world to dance
And I'll be dancing with myself

Oh dancing with myself
Oh dancing with myself
Well there's nothing to lose
And there's nothing to prove
I'll be dancing with myself

If I looked all over the world
And there's every type of girl
But your empty eyes
Seem to pass me by
Leave me dancing with myself

So let's sink another drink
'Cause it'll give me time to think
If I had the chance
I'd ask the world to dance
And I'll be dancing with myself

Oh dancing with myself
Oh dancing with myself
If I had the chance
I'd ask the world to dance
If I had the chance
I'd ask the world to dance
If I had the chance
I'd ask the world to dance

Dancing with myself
Dancing with myself
Dancing with myself
Dancing with myself

If I looked all over the world
And there's every type of girl
But your empty eyes
Seem to pass me by
Leave me dancing with myself

So let's sink another drink
'Cause it'll give me time to think
If I had the chance
I'd ask the world to dance
And I'll be dancing with myself

Oh dancing with myself
Oh dancing with myself
If I had the chance
I'd ask the world to dance
If I had the chance
I'd ask the world to dance
If I had the chance
I'd ask the world to dance

An early mistake

A mistake of mine from when I was a young boy was to presume a person can be self sufficient.

The Joker

Should we do as people expect us to do, like obedient and trained dogs, or robots, controlled by a remote? Do you believe what you're told and accept it blindly, like a faith? Does the truth of men lies anywhere? What if the cave is invisible and you don't really know whether you're in or out of it? Do you want a convenient life, where everything goes exactly according to the plan you made? Or do you want to do what everyone else wants to do, those you were influenced into? Are you able to make your own choices? Do you have your own desires? Are you actually free? What do you think when you think about freedom? A place where you can go anywhere and do anything, any time? Would it make any sense? Why to look for answers? Whose answers?