Snap Thought #9

Karma.

Organization

1- To write a post
2- To make an illustration
3- To publish
4- And finally go to the next task


This was another one of those nights I would stay awake all along, wandering on thoughts and lost into things that weren't really being done, like playing games, talking and browsing random things.

Then it came a time when I was taking a shower and getting ready to go to bed, when I started to think about all the things I was supposed to do, but I didn't or don't due to laziness, procastination or wrong priorities. Then, talking to Jere, a friend of mine, about organization, we kinda brainstormed about what was or want's supposed to do, what to actually do or not to do and stuff like that, when organizing anything about tasks.

One main problem that showed up is motivation. Then one arged: "Some tasks need motivation to do." Then: "To have a task done IS a motivation!"

Ah, okay, I'm more than motivated. I'm excited about organizing and working on my projects.

With all of this organization, I feel like moving towards having a better life, but fixing my biologic schedule, which is pretty much an old problem which I blame exams and family for that, haha; and actually defining some methods of acomplishing the goal of having tasks done and getting rid of lazy feeling and procastination.

One problem of organizing self is that people usually thing that there must be focus on their tasks. I'd say that not really, if we take a distraction as an unexpected new task, which has a life span, and that an old task is still awating for our attention.

Ah, well, all of this talk could become an article, which I pretty much could work on and develope better later, but I really have other things to do, like finding a picture to illustrate this post which by the time one would read it, the picture will hopefully already be there! Haha

Okay, I replaced it with a simple text version, instead of the picture which would take longer to be finished because I didn't really want to spend much time on it...

21 Guns (Green Day)

21 Guns
Green Day


Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Mutual

I can think of a person thinking about me, thinking back again about that person, and so on. Ah, thoughts...

Snap Thought #8

To be, and not to do; or
to do, ant not to be?

Book thoughts

I'm currently reading The Last Lecture, by Randy Pausch, a computer science professor who had a terminal cancer. He tells about his life and the teachings he took from it. Among many other things, he tells about his dad, who was a paramedic at the World War and was commited to volunteering, always contributing to the community. He inspires me so much!

But in the middle of the reading, I started to have other thoughts. A few before that, I was very, very bored, expecting for some social interaction, wishing someone to save me from my boredom. Then I remembered about those who writes those books. Through the book the writter communicates with me, telling me a story, their life experience or their ideas. Through one point of view, keeping this idea in mind makes me able to bear my loneliness in a healthier way.

Inherited senseless

My dad doesn't really have a sensible line of though. I'll explain in topics:

First: Everything is fine.
Second: Dad thinks we're spending too much.
Third: He demmands cancelling some services.
Forth: I spend some hours in the phone making to cancel the services.
Fifth: It takes a couple of weeks to definately make the change.
Sixth: They call my dad offering some other services.
Seventh: Dad approves those services.

Services = cable tv and ip phone.

And of course, he gave me life and raised me. I've been taking many of his actions as examples of what I shouldn't do. But if I learn what I shouldn't do, how am I supposed to learn what I should do?

Less, more and movies

For a long while, I've been willing to be a researcher. But I've come into a state that I feel the need for earning money to be able to go through my plans. It doesn't require much to live a lonely life, but when we talk about friends and girlfriends, what would it be possible to do without money? For once, I feel like I have to stop being a dreamer to fall back into reality. I have the "less" ideology. Why all of those consumption, if we can perfectly live with less? It doesn't mean I don't want more. The longer the time pass by, I want more and more of life. I want a friend I can stick up with. I want a girlfriend I'll live the rest of my life with. I want to feel the burning passion I once felt. Ah, if I could predict the future.

Speaking of which, I've already watched several movies since my last post. In an inverse chronological order, they are:
Mr. Nobody
Alice in Wonderland
Kick Ass
Tropa de Elite 2
Oliver Twist
Eagle Eye
The Book of Eli
Scarface
The Hangout
Stand by me
The Virgin Spring

Still looking for a good new blog address

I couldn't find a good new address for my blog yet. Suggestions are welcome!

Numb

I sit down on the couch.

I look around and all I see is static objects, which could only move with the wind coming from the opened window, or would work, if they were given the energy to do so.

For now, I feel like my heart can't really move, static and inert, waiting for someone to wake it up and give it the right directions. Where has all its power gone?

On the other hand, my mind is all active with logic, for many claimed the almighty truth that can't be beaten, or contradicted. What's the use for it all, when my own humanity is jailed?

How nostalgic am I going to be, or what am I going to do, when I'm set free again? What if I'm already free?

World Sunlight Map

This is a realtime world map which supposedly shows the sunlight on Earth. It's quite interesting: http://www.die.net/earth/

Draw with Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvjZ6VkLuCM

Two quotes from Harry Potter and The Prisioner of Azkaban

"Now, my three friends could hardly fail to notice that I disappeared once a month. I made up all sorts of stories. I told them my mother was ill, and that I had to go home to see her... I was terrified they would desert me the moment they found out what I was. But of course, they, like you, Hermione, worked out the truth....

And they didn't desert me at all. Instead, they did something for me that would make my transformations not only bearable, but the best times of my life. They became Animagi."

Remus Lupin, unravelling about his past.

"I'll understand, of course, if you want to stay with your aunt and
uncle. But... well... think about it. Once my name's
cleared... if you wanted a... a different home..."

Sirius Black said to Harry, on their way back to Hogwarts.

Snap Thought #7

I don't know why, but when I don't write about my own feelings, I feel I'm not writting about myself.

Sugar Babies

No, the title doesn't refer to porn. Sugar babies are children of people who run away from the misery in Haiti to work in sugar cane fields, in semi-slavery conditions, in Dominican Republic. Most of their exports are in form of sugar, to USA, and that's what makes american sugar so cheap.

While bigger politicians and activists don't change this situation, I joined a canadian friend, Deborah, in an effort of promoting education for those children. I've just recently got in touch about the idea, but I've spent all my day in thinking and researching about a way to contribute with the project. I'll probably have further news about it soon!

Drowsy

I've been taking this medicine, called Polaradex, for the coughing I got a week ago, due to the dry weather. The problem with it is that it makes me drowsy. I'm thinking on not taking it tomorrow morning due to the Calculus IV exam I'm gonna take.

Snap Thought #6

I told you last night's comment wasn't mine, but I lied...

Killing rats

I was just studying today when I hear some screamings upstairs. I go up and what I saw was my mom and my sister looking for something. The immediate answer was that a rat got upstairs. I joined the hunt.

Trying to find where it was hidden, I started to poke things at the wardrobe with a stick, when the rat leaves its place to the living room. Running to the living room, we trapped the rat to the stairs, which had the door closed. At the staircase, the rat was climbing the door and jumping onto the knob! Dude, it was actually trying to open the door!

It came a time when the rat was already tired and wasn't jumping that much. Mom and Luana was begging to kill it and I did it. the body of the poor little creature was lying, struggling for a quick death. Mom wrapped it with newspaper and probably threw it away. I couldn't watch it.

Films of the week

This week I watched several films.... 3, actually, plus one last week that worth being mentioned.

The first one is Stand By Me (1986). It's the story of a gang of 4 boys who found out about a dead body, which motivates the long journey. If you've got friends, it's a must.

Last thursday I went to Homer's house watch some films with the guys. The first one was Die Hard (1988). It's the story of a policeman who wasn't really supposed to participate in a party of a big company building. But despite that, the entire building is taken hostage. Without shoes, the policeman got, by himself, in charge of "taking care" of the terrorists.

The second movie of Homer's patriot week movie session was Dog Day Afternoon (1975). It's a real story about a guy who stealed a bank with his partner. The direction and the actor were perfect!

The last movie was Das Leben Der Anderen (2006), which I watched at the Cultura open TV channel. In the time of socialism in East Germany, a couple is secret and closely watched by an agent of the german secret police.

New activities

Thinking about all the gaps in my life, the lack of directions my future turned out to be over the last few years and the time I waste with games, but that I could use more consciously, I've decided it's time for brand new activities do be done. I list them:

1. To keep my projects and my studies.
Even though they are the source of bad sleep nights and complaints and stress, I still love what I do, or I wouldn't have gone so far.

2. To watch more movies and read more books and newspapers.
I'm a complete alien by now. I don't know where exactly where countries are, I don't know any famous writer and I can't talk about famous scenes. In other words, I'm a completely stupid by now and if someone (yes, I mean you, invisible reader) comment I'm not giving enough credits to myself, I'll ignore it.

3. To contribute with politics.
It's elections time. I've never really gone too deep into this subject, but my civil responsibility calls me. I don't know exactly what to do about it, but I plan on using my computing skills and the progress of transparency in politics as a way to motivate the citizenship in citizens.


I don't really have any plans for those activities, but I keep some ideas in mind, like making a new blog or participating in an existing one, since those wouldn't really be personal stuff, except for the first item, possibly.

Snap Thought #5

What matters in life?

Bidoof

Whatever I write down will be too limited for what we can feel about it... it makes me cry...

True Colors (Cyndi Lauper)

True Colors
Cyndi Lauper


You with the sad eyes
don't be discouraged
oh I realize
it's hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
and the darkness inside you
can make you fell so small

But I see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow

Show me a smile then
don't be unhappy, can't remember
when I last saw you laughing
if this world makes you crazy
and you've taken all you can bear
you call me up
because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow

I'm sick

I'm sick inside.
My mind is trapped outside.
Who am I?
No sense was left.
What to tell, from hell?
I'm suffocated.

The new hopes I was given is fading again.
If I demmand you a decision, what would it be?

To Solitude, by Alice Cary

To Solitude
Alice Cary

I am weary of the working,
Weary of the long day’s heat;
To thy comfortable bosom,
Wilt thou take me, spirit sweet?

Weary of the long, blind struggle
For a pathway bright and high,—
Weary of the dimly dying
Hopes that never quite all die.

Weary searching a bad cipher
For a good that must be meant;
Discontent with being weary,—
Weary with my discontent.

I am weary of the trusting
Where my trusts but torments prove;
Wilt thou keep faith with me? wilt thou
Be my true and tender love?

I am weary drifting, driving
Like a helmless bark at sea;
Kindly, comfortable spirit,
Wilt thou give thyself to me?

Give thy birds to sing me sonnets?
Give thy winds my cheeks to kiss?
And thy mossy rocks to stand for
The memorials of our bliss?

I in reverence will hold thee,
Never vexed with jealous ills,
Though thy wild and wimpling waters
Wind about a thousand hills.

Source: American Poetry: The Nineteenth Century (The Library of America, 1993)
(link)

---

Vocabulary:

weary of: bored with something because you have experienced too much of it.
bosom: the front of a person's chest, especially when thought of as the centre of human feelings.
dimly: not likely to succeed.
cipher: a system of writing that prevents most people from understanding the message; a code.
drift: to move slowly, especially as a result of outside forces, with no control over direction.
bark: the hard outer covering of a tree.
moss: a very small green or yellow plant that grows especially in wet earth or on rocks, walls and tree trunks.
vexed: difficult to deal with and causing a lot of disagreement and argument.
wimple: to cause to ripple.

Mr. Brightside (The Killers)

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all

It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag

Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head

But she's touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go

And I just can't look it's killing me
And taking control

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis

But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all

It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag

Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head

But she's touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go

'Cause I just can't look it's killing me
And taking control

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis

But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside

I never
I never
I never
I never

Mood

I try to not be, but I'm so sad today...

Busy and dilemmatic

Ahhh... I've had such a full week! Movies on wednesday, birthday party on thursday and sunday and project all along. And classes start again tomorrow.

Other than that, I've been thinking about what decision to take. If I just knew what each of my decisions would lead me into...

Random feelings

I've been rearranging some stuff in the living room today. I was enjoying the brand new layout, which would make the room more enlightened and better ventilated, when it came to a time when I needed to buy an about $5 connector. So I asked her for some money and she came with all the "you always ask for money" monologue. It just annoys me how she don't want me to buy some needed things that's supposed to benefit everyone, but when it happens to be off sales of some futile things, the story is completely different. It frustrated me.

After stopping the rearrangement, I got to know about my daughter's blog. I'm not really sure if I was supposed to know about it, but she allowed me to and after reading one and another post, I felt like I could see a bit of her inner self and I feel like she's trusting a bit of herself on me. I feel I should be responsible, but I'm happy about this gesture. It makes me feel better.

I also feel that life is more than the cages set up around us...

Baby shower

Today I went to two highschool friends, Anderson and Massae's baby shower. When I told my mom about it, she found it weird because baby showers are supposed to be a women only event. Well, I guess we're a cool circle of friends and so guys were also invited! Haha

I picked a bedside lamp to give her as a gift. So yesterday I went to Conibase, a construction store a few steps away from home. I found a few lamps there, but the slightly cute ones were not really that clean: they were covered with dust! It's such a no no. So I decided to go to the shops in and around Shopping Butantã, but no luck. That's when I decided I had to check at Consolação Avenue and once I was there, I got surprised with so many options! After walking various shops, I finally found one which had a round lamp made with a light metal and some kind of thick cloth with some small animals on a pink and white background. Btw, I couldn't test it beforehand, so I don't know if it works well! I'm worried now, I'll write and send Anderson an email...

New days

I like to think that the moon is there even if I am not looking at it.
(Albert Einstein)

Emanated by memory shards,
nostalgia scent in the air.
Two years has passed.
How many tick tocks can we bear?

So many things have happened,
and so many changes were done.
Enough of sadness, enough of grief,
all I want now is good times to come!

I am now confident and very positive,
I'll make my mind and heart open and very active.

New ideas

I have this kind of ideas burst sometimes.

Whenever I lay down, whenever I take a shower, whenever I walk to college, I have a bright new project idea. They are not really the most revolucionary ones, but some of them are good ones! Like creating a new non-profit organization, building a new store or creating a new technology. Some of them are really exciting and stuff but the problem is: how to make them real?

In my mind, I have some idea about where to go and what to do once I'm there, but to get there is the biggest problem. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this reality barrier. Some say that if we get used to experience easy and simple things, we tend to assume all the other things are also like that. And maybe they actually are, in some sense, but they probably have many many things related to them. For example, writting in this blog is a pretty simple thing to do, but I can't number all the technology and resources involved to make all these words to reach readers all around the world.

I don't think there is a magic solution for this, but we can always work on decisions, preparations, attitudes and a bit of good luck.

Room with no walls

Okay, I could have started the first rant series before.

Have you ever slept in a room without walls? I have and still do. What do you think about a room where all the sound from out of it comes into it, not lowering even a bit anything, even if the door or the window are closed. In other words, the walls don't work! My room has no fucking walls!! There are bricks and painting on it and window and door, but it's a VIRTUAL WALL!! Okay, I know the flaw comes from the shitty aluminium window my parents bought, but the fucking window is the biggest fail in the wall! It's SPECIALLY AND FUCKING IRRITATING when you're AWAKE WITH YOUR MOM YELLING RIGHT INTO YOUR EARS, WHEN ALL YOU WANT IS A BIT OF PEACE IN SLEEPING AFTER A LONG SEQUENCE OF NO QUALITY SLEEP NIGHTS!!! This is not the only isolated case. IT HAPPENS EVERYTIME MY MOM ANSWERS THE FUCKING TELEPHONE OR ANYONE WATCHES TV! FUCK, all I want to do now is to take the damn window down to put bricks into that fucking hole!

Dude, I wish I were ranting about Windows^tm, but no, it's an ACTUAL AND PHYSICAL WINDOW. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SOOMETHING LIKE THAT? ME NEITHER!! %@#%@(#&$(@*&%(*&@*&%@#$(@*&#%(@

Snap Thought #4

One can think of two movements in life: expansion and contraction.

Autumn wanderer

It's a clear sky and a shinning sun over my head
The sand massages my feet with each step I make
But the wind is cold.

It's Autumn.

That's the season when I was born
It's the most nostalgic seasons,
with the fresh memories from spring and summer
It's where the last beauties lays before winter.

At the seashore, Nature won't stop its waves
nor the small lives will stop for this lonely wanderer to pass.

The scent and the song are now gone,
no matter how many times I smell or listen to the air.

I still keep walking, wondering if I'll ever feel something like I once felt.

The job news and some complaints

It's already been a month since I first started my new job. I'm developing a system for an electronic components factory. I'm doing the system the way I want it to be with a real use for that! I'm really excited about that!

But running that along with college and all the work I have to do is a really hard thing to do. I get home tired every day in weekdays. But well, it's doing really good when it concerns to fix my schedule and keeping me away from HoN!

Right now I'm having an abstinence syndrome, tho. I'm trying to talk to some friends, but it's so hard. One of them is busy and afk, another one is offline, another is busy with her boyfriend and yet another is tired of my complaints. Funny, huh? I'm a whiner because I complain a lot. I'll build a list of complaints up and post it here, someday.

It's so hard when who I actually want to talk to is not here... It's specially harder to have someone and lose her than to never had one. To be used to be a lonely person doesn't mean I want to be like this nor that I like it. But that's life, it goes on, eh?

I held your hand...

I dreamed about you tonight, it was a really nice dream!

We had finally met and we were sitting close to each other and I asked you if you would let me hug you and you said yes. But then I warned you that I was sweating and might be not smelling good, and so you thought for one second and grabbed my hands and then we were hold both of them. Your hands were so soft and warm and comfortable! I wished I could never let it go, it was such an amazing moment...

But then someone appeared and probably due to shyness or something like that, we released one of our hands, but we were still holding the other (I was holding your left hand with my right one) and we walked to the living room that way. When we got there, I was looking at the room and you gave a book about drums and a notebook to write while I learn it. And that's how I found out when it happened. There was a date on it, but I can only remember the year. It was 2015.

And then I woke up and thought that I really have to write about this. I don't know why, but I still want to keep these dreams... And.. you know, if you really read it someday, it made me remember about some poems which you wrote and was refering to someone as "you". I wouldn't blame you if it's about someone you didn't really want to mention. It's just something that was really special...

Need for updates

I have so many things to write about. I really need to get some time to write about many many things that has happened along all this time. Actually, there aren't really that much things, but still, there is a lot to write about. For now I'll just say that I spent a weekend at the beach, that I had some trouble while I made a 20km wander and that I might finally finish reading The Secret Garden! But I'll make a better update soon.

Sleep problems

I'be been having some sleep problems since last year, actually, but this week I've got an average of three hours of sleep time at night. I seriously need to get a better sleep routine or it's going to kill me. I just don't know how to do it, tho. I was in the kitchen just a few ago and I thought about it. The conclusion I got it that I have many many things going in my head. I have stress, responsibilities, irresponsibilities, plans, classes, life, anxiety, etc. I won't have classes next week, thank god, and I'll try to use it as a way to fix part of myself, rest as much as I can, and eventually try to get a better sleep routine.

Search

I've been thinking about what would I look for in a girl. I got into the conclusion I need someone who can be meaningful in my life.

Happy Ending

... and the princess could finally have a happy life with the prince she loves, while the foreigner could finally be sure that his decisions were right in the end. He will now travel to new and different lands, where he can live and learn new and different things from life.

The End.

Confession

I hope I have enough distractions to keep me away from depression.

Right here, right now

My passion burns for you
It is a fire that will never leave
it is a flame that will never fade

You are my dear
You stole my heart
You are my desire

I cannot sleep
I cannot wake up
Without the hard heart beating

I wish you here
I wish you now

Please, leave everything behind
and let me hold you by your hips
and let me kiss your sweet lips...

HoN

I started playing Heroes of Newerth at September 24th last year. And since then, I've been playing it many, many times. I lost almost 200 hours of my life with it and now I''ve just deleted it. I'm not going to play it anymore for good. For being in my new year resolution. For my life to not be limited to some game...

A quote from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
Alvo Dumbledore, about the differences between Harry and Tom Riddle.

2010

Ahhh... 2010! Many, many work to do for 2010!
As some know, I've been working on my academic project. I put all my efforts on it, since March until December. Many side projects were put aside, such that a big one could be done. This is what I summarize from 2009.
For 2010, I have many, many small projects to work on, but to make it small, I name a few desires and plans for this year:

Plans
Practice English again, since I haven't really watched anything or talked to anyone last year.
Stop with game addicts, specially about Heroes of Newerth. I've been playing it with my friends, who take the game seriously, always focused on winning everytime, such that they can be proud of their stats. I'd rather to win, but I don't really mind about stats that much. Life is more than numbers.
To study.
To work.
To practice some sport.
To sleep and wake up regularly.
To meditate.

Desires
Pass all my courses this year.
Make a far away travel.

Card Readings

Question: "Am I going to be able to get rid of my game addiction?"

9 cards:

1- "You and your loved ones are safe"
2- "Admit the truth to yourself and act accordingly"
3- "New beginings and a fresh start"
4- "Self Respect"
5- "Romance angels are helping you"
6- "Detach from the situation"
7- "Pay attention to your dreams"
8- "Take your time making this decision"
9- "Your home is protected by angels"
10- "Energy healing work"


Past: "God"
Present: "Focus on dvine and perfect health"
Future: "Innocence"