A quite irresponsible moment

I must confess I have an important exam next wednesday, but I just can't concentrate on studying. I think I'm feeling what many have already felt, but that I never did, before university: lack of motivation by questioning what's important in life. I grew up blindfolded to that question. My parents used to complain of how hard it was to save money and that we should work to get money to help them pay the bills. They didn't say or admit it, but they would still regularly exchange their cars, but would resist on paying for english classes for their children. Not only that, but the sum of many other things I was told, and the frustration comming from them, makes me just feel like an immediate return is more certain than a distant promise. I should study, but my mind has definately been taken by the wind.

Yet another existencial crisis

I've been trying to study Calculus IV today, but I haven't been into the mood for that. Actually, I think I can't been much into the mood for many things, really. I got this feeling that all of my efforts are worthless. And it makes me wonder what my existence is all about. To do all the worthless things? To survive? I learned how to get rid of those those thoughts, making myself busy and not thinking about it. It won't ease my silenced inner self, tho. I can't feel I grow up as a person who works for making our beautiful planet a better place to live, but a toolmaker, who makes tools so others can use and change world at their will, since they got the power to do so.

I'm sure I'm not the first and won't be the last to reflect about it, but this kind of reflection came in such an early stage in my life, when I still got absolutely nothing in return to the society. The only thing I got are questions that nobody can answer, but that I should find it myself.

Superheroes

What makes super heroes so special is not how amazing their powers are or how to try to solve every problem, specially the personal ones, but how to be themselves, special in their own ways.

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The stories of those heroes doesn't start with a defined purpose. A purpose grows up as they live, in a butterfly effect way, to change everything, sometimes unravelling their powers.

An early mistake

A mistake of mine from when I was a young boy was to presume a person can be self sufficient.

The Joker

Should we do as people expect us to do, like obedient and trained dogs, or robots, controlled by a remote? Do you believe what you're told and accept it blindly, like a faith? Does the truth of men lies anywhere? What if the cave is invisible and you don't really know whether you're in or out of it? Do you want a convenient life, where everything goes exactly according to the plan you made? Or do you want to do what everyone else wants to do, those you were influenced into? Are you able to make your own choices? Do you have your own desires? Are you actually free? What do you think when you think about freedom? A place where you can go anywhere and do anything, any time? Would it make any sense? Why to look for answers? Whose answers?

Mutual

I can think of a person thinking about me, thinking back again about that person, and so on. Ah, thoughts...

Book thoughts

I'm currently reading The Last Lecture, by Randy Pausch, a computer science professor who had a terminal cancer. He tells about his life and the teachings he took from it. Among many other things, he tells about his dad, who was a paramedic at the World War and was commited to volunteering, always contributing to the community. He inspires me so much!

But in the middle of the reading, I started to have other thoughts. A few before that, I was very, very bored, expecting for some social interaction, wishing someone to save me from my boredom. Then I remembered about those who writes those books. Through the book the writter communicates with me, telling me a story, their life experience or their ideas. Through one point of view, keeping this idea in mind makes me able to bear my loneliness in a healthier way.

Numb

I sit down on the couch.

I look around and all I see is static objects, which could only move with the wind coming from the opened window, or would work, if they were given the energy to do so.

For now, I feel like my heart can't really move, static and inert, waiting for someone to wake it up and give it the right directions. Where has all its power gone?

On the other hand, my mind is all active with logic, for many claimed the almighty truth that can't be beaten, or contradicted. What's the use for it all, when my own humanity is jailed?

How nostalgic am I going to be, or what am I going to do, when I'm set free again? What if I'm already free?

Random feelings

I've been rearranging some stuff in the living room today. I was enjoying the brand new layout, which would make the room more enlightened and better ventilated, when it came to a time when I needed to buy an about $5 connector. So I asked her for some money and she came with all the "you always ask for money" monologue. It just annoys me how she don't want me to buy some needed things that's supposed to benefit everyone, but when it happens to be off sales of some futile things, the story is completely different. It frustrated me.

After stopping the rearrangement, I got to know about my daughter's blog. I'm not really sure if I was supposed to know about it, but she allowed me to and after reading one and another post, I felt like I could see a bit of her inner self and I feel like she's trusting a bit of herself on me. I feel I should be responsible, but I'm happy about this gesture. It makes me feel better.

I also feel that life is more than the cages set up around us...

New ideas

I have this kind of ideas burst sometimes.

Whenever I lay down, whenever I take a shower, whenever I walk to college, I have a bright new project idea. They are not really the most revolucionary ones, but some of them are good ones! Like creating a new non-profit organization, building a new store or creating a new technology. Some of them are really exciting and stuff but the problem is: how to make them real?

In my mind, I have some idea about where to go and what to do once I'm there, but to get there is the biggest problem. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this reality barrier. Some say that if we get used to experience easy and simple things, we tend to assume all the other things are also like that. And maybe they actually are, in some sense, but they probably have many many things related to them. For example, writting in this blog is a pretty simple thing to do, but I can't number all the technology and resources involved to make all these words to reach readers all around the world.

I don't think there is a magic solution for this, but we can always work on decisions, preparations, attitudes and a bit of good luck.

I've having a really bad time trying to sleep tonight. It's a night with the temperature of 25°C at 2am. Spring's days and nights have been so hot this week!

Well, it's been a while since I last sat here to write something. It's so long since I started to write in this blog that I feel nostalgic of the time I would spend hours thinking about what to write.... while I write something! Haha

School, school... taking all the time of my youth is so uncool!

I've been working on my project and I've been studying, but I've been spending a lot of time trying to bear my mental fatigue, by playing some games. Those games might not be helping much, tho, since I also put a lot of effort in them.

I've been thinking a lot about what really matters for my life.

When I was a kid, I had so many fun, watching cartoon on TV, playing games and video games, and all those stuff kids like. At teenage, I could explore new places in my city I never imagined I would, mostly motivated by having fun with my friends and interest in different things.

Now that I'm in college, I've experienced so many different feelings and thoughts. And values. When I was younger, I heard/read people saying how good it is to have different ideas and different meanings out there, but now I am mature enough to feel it too.

And possibly try different things too.

Like taking a different paths from the one I've always planned.

Posts

I've been thinking about a lot of things to post, but all of them seemed to be quite repetitive. They are about organizations, love life, all the stuff that has been happening lately.
There is nothing wrong about them, but I've just decided to change my mind and write something different, something like.. what I think about the posts in my blog.
You, dear reader, is much probably reading it from my front page. But if you're reading it from archive, I would love to know you exist! I doubt someone would ever want to read more of my boring posts! Haha
But why is this all related to my posts? Well... I know this sounds weird or silly, but I miss my old posts. They are pretty much like piece of my own memories and my own story being left behind, a tiny chapter in the whole story of my life.
I have a really lot of things I can write here. Really! But I'll write them down soon, in a calm time.

World with no money

What do you think about a world with no money?

Most people would think about money as those piece of paper and those coins in their wallet. Some could think about money as those numbers stored in their banks and those ups and downs from their stocks.

But aren't they nothing more than piece of papers and numbers? What makes gold and diamonds so valuable if they are metal and stone? They are rare to find, indeed, but what would one like to do with them, other than tools? Jewelry?

If there were no money in the past, we wouldn't really have the development we had so far. And money still motivates people to do things, since with no money, you can't really buy food, clothes, houses... But at out development stage, can't we develope only for the good that development brings?

Would people be lazy to such a point we would live in a complete chaos or that we wouldn't really have people working in farms to give everyone food? Well, if americans were able to live before europeans came to American, I see no reason for us to survive either, with all the technology we have.

And more than that, Incans were a developed civilization. Did they have the idea of money?

Leaders would replace bosses. Imagine that when you go to work, you are in the place you actually want to be, and more than that, that you find people that actually like to be where they are. And if there is already a lot of people doing the work you would like to do? Well, you could just lead them. And what if there is also a lot of leaders? You could research on how to be a better leader and teach them.

Would exist crime? What crimes?

If one murder someone, why would they do it? But once done, what would happen to that person?

How would be the diplomacy between countries? And in the neighbourhood?

Would people needs be satisfied?

There is also the psychological stuff, like how would one get motivated, and the drugs stuff.

These are mostly things we can't really know until we live in a world with no money.

There is so many things to think that I think it's not an exercise I could do by myself, but with more people thinking together.

But I really wonder what would it be like in practice!

Written in a piece of paper

Ela, para mim, é a pessoa certa.
Eu, para ela, talvez não ocorra o mesmo.

(Written in a piece of paper, back in high school)

Neverland

Michael Jackson was the greatest artist of a whole generation. He had a hard childhood story, that has always marked his personality, but that never let it affect what he was good about. Composing, singing and dancing. World lost a reference.
MJ will live forever in the Neverland of a whole generation. He is a Myth.

The night when I read it

I was checking something that maybe it's something I wasn't really supposed to.
It brought up so many memories, so many feelings...
I dug up throught some distant past things, and some not so distant.
And now all I that's left are these mixed of nostalgic and (a bit of) sadness feelings...
No matter how long ago it happened, some memories will always make you think they happened like yesterday and will always make you wish it could last a bit longer than it actually did.
I feel I changed so much and at the same time nothing at all.
I wonder what people think about me. I wonder what they would think if the image they have about me is broken. From the experience I have so far is that they would be pretty much desappointed and step away.
I need to motivate me again and rebuild my goals up.
And meditate, eventually.

I miss you, who visits my thoughts and my dreams

You came here again, but I didn't know what to say nor what to think. Maybe I'll never know...

Define yourself

Is what you do that defines what you are
or
is what you are that defines what you do?

Twirl

Half an year has passed.
In my whole life, this have been the time that I've mostly lived with so many things happening at the same time.
It's been 6 months, 1 week and 1 daay by now. It's so hard to live with so many ups and so many downs, when you're used with constancy. If I could could change past, I would, by being more wise and more strong and less stupid. To be a good person.
Idk whether holding everything within is a good thing, but I do, which makes me remember I'm on my own sometimes.
My heartbearts are naive arms trying to embrace and warm my spinning mind up.
My family have no idea about anything, but they're always there and will always make me feel like a brother and a son, even if not the best one. They might complain (possibly a lot of times), but I know they accept me...
By now, I"m lacking energy...

Changes

Even though I've just passed through a change some time ago, I have to change more.
From the changes I've already passed through, the hardest ones were the ones imposed by Life. I've made a lot of progress with the changes I've self imposed, being less shy, facing my fears (I'm still under this changing, btw), growing up. I recognized them, I needed them and I was willing to change them. I did in my own pace and my own way, daring myself and testing myself.
But when everything seems to be okay and your most inner belief in a big YES turns out to be a bigger NO, how bad it would be. Imagine Hagrid (Harry Potter), when he got his dragon egg and has been taking care of it until it start to crack. And once it's cracked, he finds out that the egg was empty. For a long time his dream was a dragon and imagine how amazing it was for him to finally get a dragon egg! He was counting each day to give birth to it and patiently taking care of it. What would it be if the dragon wasn't really there?
Life is not all good like that sometimes and no matter how strong or okay you seem to be, you would be sad inside.
Now try to find out, among all of my friends, if they've ever seen me as weak or having personal problems or whining? Now I think of Auri. I feel bad for her for having to hear my problems all at once when she was the one who needed to be heard, even though I believed in the endless solution that would come out of the egg.
This change has already started and It's a absolutely no comfortable thing, but I'm trying my best to make it happen.

ps0: I'll need The Sacred Enlightment for my exams. I wonder how I'm going to pass my courses.
ps1: I have some June posts, but I might write them later... probably in July.
ps2: June rocks!