Canada

I'm finally in Canada!

For those who doesn't know how long this journey is, I'll start from the very, very begining. It's a long and repeated story, so you can skip the next four paragraphs.

Back in mid 2004, I was studying for university exam when I finally upgraded my computer. This upgrade allowed me to play this massive multiplayer online role play game called Ragnarok. Back then, there was lots of private servers, but few (paid) official ones, including the International Ragnarok Online (iRO) server. The iRO server gave each new player one week free to play and that's when I started playing it. I played it alone for some days, when I met a novice, Leona, who would help me playing at the Payon dungeon. Since I wouldn't really pay to play, I asked her for her email, and since then we started chatting almost everyday. Janiliz, the person behind the Leona character, became my very first best friend. Then, one day, back in mid 2005, Janiliz told me she met a girl who she was arguing with. I didn't care at all about that, but that fact would completely change my life.

Some weeks later I was invited to join a MSN chat, which had some of Janiliz friends, including Aurianna, the girl who she was having some arguments. Auri added me to her MSN list, but we would only talk about six months later. Then we started talking, about many things I had never talked about before. We'd talk from small topics, like the differences between our countries, to big ones, like the nature of life. There was this one day when my dog, Noah, died and she comforted me, while another day, we would just play some random game on MSN. I couldn't avoid being passionately in love with her.

It was January 1st, 2008, when I went to this New Year festival where we could write our new year wishes in a paper and give them to the (buddhist or shinto, I can't remember) monks. Coincidence or not, and I wouldn't believe it, but my wish came true some time later. Except for two moments, the next months would be the happiest ones of my life. The two exceptions: when I lost my best friend and when I lost my girlfriend. Our relationship wasn't doing that well because I started working, so I could gather money to meet Auri, and at work, there was this annual conference, when each year they organize a scientific conference in a previously selected city. At that time, in mid 2008, things wasn't going that well between Auri and I, and once I came back to São Paulo, we had this talk when I told her I wanted to break up. I was lying, I didn't really want to do that, and until now I ask myself why I did it. It was my life mistake.

Although I'd like to make myself the main character of a romance story, life is not as easy, or simple, as what we imagine. The twist in my life made me look for things so I could clear my mind. I tried karate and swiming, but I wouldn't practice it that much. I got addicted to Heroes of Newerth and quit it. Twice. And I also started working on a scientific initiation, a kind of internship, but working with a teacher. It took about 2 years, to get over the past. Then, new perspectives came to my life. Accepting the single life I always had before made me go back to the track of all the effort I was putting into computing and studying, and I joined a new project. But I was finishing an important milestone. I was graduating.

We might not know what future brings us, and sometimes we must be intrepid to walk into the unknown, but we all have the power to change our own lives. I could just keep living in my city, just like I've always done, but I had to put myself into the trial of leaving my comfort zone. With a small stimulus from my friend Helena, and after a few preparation months, I put myself into the adventure of traveling to Canada.

Except for a few ones, almost all of my friends don't know about my past with Aurianna. When I tell them I'm going to visit her, I make it sound like I'm visiting just another friend, but the truth is that it means much more than that, for me. Two weeks ago, I finally met her for the first time.

She's beautiful. I also met Brandon, Auri's boyfriend, last week, at the beach with her friends and at his dad's Cinco de Mayo celebration. I try to tell my few friends who know the story about his boyfriend, but I can't remember who knows what. Anyway, the thing is that Brandon is a good guy. He's attractive, fun, smart, friendly, good with children. It surpresed me so much because I wouldn't believe it if people just tell me. Despite the past feelings, I'm convinced she took a good path. (While I can barely communicate that well in spoken english.)

It's still a bit awkward because I haven't talked much with her (it's my fault, actually), but I'm really happy for being able to and finally meeting her.

Updates coming soon

Hey there! I have so much to write and so much to update here! I won't do it right now, since I have to translate this article for my mom. It's weird, cool and funny all at the same time to know that my mom is studying again! Haha. She's studying about implants.
I also have an exam this thursday for Algorithm Analysis. It's an interesting subject, but I haven't studied much and that makes me worried as the exam time comes. I'm going to study tomorrow, I have I can do it in time, tho. But once it's over, I'm going to be so relieved and free to do other stuff!!
Hmm... I'm writting more than expected. I'll write more soon enought! But there's something I have to say that would make me not sleep well if I don't say.

Aurianna, past had to happen and it has its own importance, but it lies in past now. I love you and I feel so beloved by you! I'm not really good with words, but I'm sure there are no word that can describe the feeling of being beloved by someone you love so much! It's ours and I'll take care of it... I'll take care of you as the most precious thing I can ever have. I love you, baby.

Saki's not bi

I've just found out that Saki doesn't like bi/homo related things. It was fun to discover that! Haha
Well, she's just going on the other hand of the way I'm going to. -evil- Haha

dream

Last night I had a nice dream. In this dream, a friend from Curitiba (Ana) came to visit me and she gave a gift. I didn't pay much attention to it, as I was very happy that she was visiting me. Even though, she said she wouldn't like to take my time from academic stuff. So, she left, but I didn't say her I wanted her to stay.
After that, I was about to sleep, when someone came to me, with some intentions on doing something on me.

To blog

Dear blog, (Haha I always wanted to write a diary, but as I'm too lazy to write one I'll write here then! XP)

I feel that I grew up a bit lately. I've faced and gone through so much in the last months that I've changed.. a lot more than if it all didn't happen. It's hard, it's really hard when I was into it. I was no optimistic at all. But now I'm out of that hard time. I'm glad it all happened for what is up now. I feel so good and lucky and special.. and happy again! She makes me feel my heart beating harder in my chest. She makes me believe Eden exists and it's made for us. She turns me into another person, a better person, who doesn't need anything else at all. She may not know or believe it, but she does it..
I feel not so shy on talking more. I mean, I'm still shy and I don't talk a lot, but I'm improving it. I'm trying to face more challenges and learn from them.
Oh, yeah, I've talked to Auri's mom!! She is amazing! She is a very nice person who minds about others and wants their good. I loved her! ^^
Well, I think I'll stop for now because I need to do some stuff.
See you!
Shoyu.

Siyango

I was just talking with Si about watching scary shows and somehow, we were talking about traveling and then, she said that she want to become a field biologist. Then, we talked about researching and that she could travel as a consequence. I enjoyed this idea pretty much! ^^ I hope I can do the same, as an Artificial Intelligence researcher. =3

Weakness

I know nobody comes here, and I hope nobody read this because I don't like showing people how weak I am inside.
What's up is that I am sad now. And the reason for that is feeling lonely. It's not only it, tho. I wish I were rational all the times, such that I wouldn't suffer this much, but it's something that makes me human.
I was going to write an email to Auri, telling her about it, but I don't know if it's a good thing. She has her own life. Fine, I suppose. I don't want to bother her about my silly feelings. I still can't tell someone else about myself, as I did with her, tho.
There are two persons that help me a lot.. specially lately. The first one is Janiliz. She's my very best friend, despite she doesn't think the same. She's not being online so much lately, so she's much aware about my stuff, lately. The other one is Allison. She's been the person that has mostly taken care of me on these hard days. She's a good girl and I hope I can give her back, somehow, all the help she's giving me.
But when nobody is there, I feel so weak. All I can do is to hold my tears.
I'm getting a fake person, for pretending that everything is alright when it's not...
If I just had someone I completely trust, to tell all I feel...
If just a single person...

June

Above is a picture Tith made for me. Thank you cousin!! I've loved it!! Lol.
Yeah, It's been a while since I last posted. Well, it's not really completely a lack of time, nor is lack of stuff to write, nor lack of wish. It's kinda a bit of each. One point I still gotta get is organization. Anyway..
It's June. This is the month I've been born and there are some popular saints celebration in Brazil. I love June English name! June is Junho in portuguese. Not that cool, huh?
It's Autumn. Rain stops to fall so often and sky gets an awesome blue! I can't remember about the last Autumns, but this is how it has been lately. I feel so good when I walk to college with a day like this!
It's semester ending. I've been not so bad on today's exam! I hope I can get at least 5. It's a countdown for next week exam combo. So I have to study now.

Is it Karma?