Canada

I'm finally in Canada!

For those who doesn't know how long this journey is, I'll start from the very, very begining. It's a long and repeated story, so you can skip the next four paragraphs.

Back in mid 2004, I was studying for university exam when I finally upgraded my computer. This upgrade allowed me to play this massive multiplayer online role play game called Ragnarok. Back then, there was lots of private servers, but few (paid) official ones, including the International Ragnarok Online (iRO) server. The iRO server gave each new player one week free to play and that's when I started playing it. I played it alone for some days, when I met a novice, Leona, who would help me playing at the Payon dungeon. Since I wouldn't really pay to play, I asked her for her email, and since then we started chatting almost everyday. Janiliz, the person behind the Leona character, became my very first best friend. Then, one day, back in mid 2005, Janiliz told me she met a girl who she was arguing with. I didn't care at all about that, but that fact would completely change my life.

Some weeks later I was invited to join a MSN chat, which had some of Janiliz friends, including Aurianna, the girl who she was having some arguments. Auri added me to her MSN list, but we would only talk about six months later. Then we started talking, about many things I had never talked about before. We'd talk from small topics, like the differences between our countries, to big ones, like the nature of life. There was this one day when my dog, Noah, died and she comforted me, while another day, we would just play some random game on MSN. I couldn't avoid being passionately in love with her.

It was January 1st, 2008, when I went to this New Year festival where we could write our new year wishes in a paper and give them to the (buddhist or shinto, I can't remember) monks. Coincidence or not, and I wouldn't believe it, but my wish came true some time later. Except for two moments, the next months would be the happiest ones of my life. The two exceptions: when I lost my best friend and when I lost my girlfriend. Our relationship wasn't doing that well because I started working, so I could gather money to meet Auri, and at work, there was this annual conference, when each year they organize a scientific conference in a previously selected city. At that time, in mid 2008, things wasn't going that well between Auri and I, and once I came back to São Paulo, we had this talk when I told her I wanted to break up. I was lying, I didn't really want to do that, and until now I ask myself why I did it. It was my life mistake.

Although I'd like to make myself the main character of a romance story, life is not as easy, or simple, as what we imagine. The twist in my life made me look for things so I could clear my mind. I tried karate and swiming, but I wouldn't practice it that much. I got addicted to Heroes of Newerth and quit it. Twice. And I also started working on a scientific initiation, a kind of internship, but working with a teacher. It took about 2 years, to get over the past. Then, new perspectives came to my life. Accepting the single life I always had before made me go back to the track of all the effort I was putting into computing and studying, and I joined a new project. But I was finishing an important milestone. I was graduating.

We might not know what future brings us, and sometimes we must be intrepid to walk into the unknown, but we all have the power to change our own lives. I could just keep living in my city, just like I've always done, but I had to put myself into the trial of leaving my comfort zone. With a small stimulus from my friend Helena, and after a few preparation months, I put myself into the adventure of traveling to Canada.

Except for a few ones, almost all of my friends don't know about my past with Aurianna. When I tell them I'm going to visit her, I make it sound like I'm visiting just another friend, but the truth is that it means much more than that, for me. Two weeks ago, I finally met her for the first time.

She's beautiful. I also met Brandon, Auri's boyfriend, last week, at the beach with her friends and at his dad's Cinco de Mayo celebration. I try to tell my few friends who know the story about his boyfriend, but I can't remember who knows what. Anyway, the thing is that Brandon is a good guy. He's attractive, fun, smart, friendly, good with children. It surpresed me so much because I wouldn't believe it if people just tell me. Despite the past feelings, I'm convinced she took a good path. (While I can barely communicate that well in spoken english.)

It's still a bit awkward because I haven't talked much with her (it's my fault, actually), but I'm really happy for being able to and finally meeting her.

Mr. Brightside (The Killers)

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all

It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag

Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head

But she's touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go

And I just can't look it's killing me
And taking control

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis

But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all

It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag

Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head

But she's touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go

'Cause I just can't look it's killing me
And taking control

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis

But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside

I never
I never
I never
I never

Happy Ending

... and the princess could finally have a happy life with the prince she loves, while the foreigner could finally be sure that his decisions were right in the end. He will now travel to new and different lands, where he can live and learn new and different things from life.

The End.

A dream to make my year a better one

I dreamed you were visiting me last night.
I looked at you and we were smiling, but not a smile of someone who's trying to be kind or nice. It was a naive and pure smile that can be found in small kids when they are happy for the smallest things. You were so enchanting that it seemed you were in a spotlight, seen only through my eyes...
We didn't really do much after that. I tried to turn the TV on, but with all the mess in the room, I couldn't really find where to plug it. So you asked me to play this board game I've never seen before and so we played it.
But when I woke up, I couldn't really stop thinking about it. It's something that I haven't felt for a really long time, even though it's just a dream...

One year

One year..

What happened this morning, a bit before I woke up

You told me: "I love you"
Too bad, at the time you said that,
I found out it was only a dream.
Then I woke up.

Responsibility

Some days ago, I've been stressed, as some of you might already know.
Well, the good news is that I'm not, anymore. The bad one is that I have another problem. I'm lacking responsibility.
Over the last days, I've been relaxing and getting rid of my stress, by letting all those stressful things aside, Relaxing and enjoying the time I have with things that pleases me, like listening to songs, organizing my email, talking, specially with my beloved one, drawing, missing some classes and one or another workday.
In my thoughts, I got into the conclusion that the more you HAVE to do, the more stress you get when the deadline is close. That might be obvious, but I don't think about it all the time and figuring this out made me think about what to do concerning everything. I think that the choice I made helped me in a lot of ways, relieving in a sense that I needed to do it all.
On the other hand, My academic life froze. I know that I'm going to stress once I get back into it, but now I can bear it. For the next one month and half, It's going to be not as hard as if I didn't had this break.
Another point of view that I was thinking about is that it could be concidered as a burst of responsibility lack. I've put my entertainment and my self pleasure before work and duties, because that's what matters to earn money. It's so wrong, I must admit, but It's not that often that I do it and, besides that, these might be some of my last chances of doing things wrong before I start to work and depend on a job and money to survive.

But there are values that not money can buy, like the picture above. Despite all, I have no doubt it worths. I love you so, hon.

Emptying mind

I've just figured out that I have to empty my mind.
You know when it's all polluted and saturated with things stuck? It's not a good thing, believe me. So what am I going to do? Let them gradually dissolve or kick their asses off by force?
Well, I got this thing before and what I've done so far is to bear until it's vacation, so I can relax all the time I couldn't before. This time is different, tho. I've never done so many things like now, haven't lived so subject to so many things before. I think that no extreme way would help much.
I'm going to try to balance.. such that it can be bearable until a I can do a real rest. Probably emptying my mind sometimes, somehow. Is there a way to do it everyday? Oh, yeah, my mind can be completely empty with the right stimuli. But sometimes my mind doesn't get into it completely and that's not exatly a good thing. I want to find something that makes me completely forget about my tasks or things I have to do for some time, that makes me forget about my responsibilities. It would relieve a scream so stuck within.
With the weather getting cold (I know, it might not be that cold. Haha. But it's still cold!), the options are not so wide. And thinking about things I can do indoor, I've just figured out that I still can do some entertaining stuff, like watching, talking, reading... physical activities! And good rests, of course.
I'm going to set a limit time to stop doing the stuff I have to do at about 20h30 and 21h30, if there is something really important. Then, for the rest of the time, I'm going to use it completely for myself, including everything else, mainly to talk, specially with my love. Then bed.
I'm going to start it tomorrow because it's already late and I need a time to prepare myself, but I'm not going to bed late today, as I still have some headache that's been lasting over the last few days.
Well, it's dinner time. I'll write more soon. I don't consider it as a task, btw.

ps: I've just seen this rating thing. I was like "WTF?!" Haha. I think it would be interesting to keep it on, tho.

Algorithm Analysis first exam

I'm fatigated and frustated about the Algorithm Analysis first exam I had today. But you know what, thinking about it just makes me stressed. I'm going to do something entertaining and relax for now, because I still have a lot more comming soon.

Updates coming soon

Hey there! I have so much to write and so much to update here! I won't do it right now, since I have to translate this article for my mom. It's weird, cool and funny all at the same time to know that my mom is studying again! Haha. She's studying about implants.
I also have an exam this thursday for Algorithm Analysis. It's an interesting subject, but I haven't studied much and that makes me worried as the exam time comes. I'm going to study tomorrow, I have I can do it in time, tho. But once it's over, I'm going to be so relieved and free to do other stuff!!
Hmm... I'm writting more than expected. I'll write more soon enought! But there's something I have to say that would make me not sleep well if I don't say.

Aurianna, past had to happen and it has its own importance, but it lies in past now. I love you and I feel so beloved by you! I'm not really good with words, but I'm sure there are no word that can describe the feeling of being beloved by someone you love so much! It's ours and I'll take care of it... I'll take care of you as the most precious thing I can ever have. I love you, baby.

Fortune telling

I have just my fortune told by Tith. I didn't believe in it before and I still don't completely believe it. Well, there are some issues, like sensitiveness, fullmoon, emptyness, that managed to happen when it came up. Here is the result, said in that order.

Number: 16
Your not ready for change yet, but things will become better in the very end. You will gain enlightenment and freedom. Just give it time.

Number: 2
Confusion, hesitation, inability to make choices, inability to properly utilise time or talents, Lack of inspiration or energy. Giving up easily, poor self image, poor co-ordination and sometimes learning difficulties.

Number: 5
You are a seeker after knowledge and wisdom, you give good advice and teach well.

Number: 8
Control of passion agasint one's baser instincts.


Somehow, I just keep this saying rounding in my mind. "Wanna make god laugh? Tell him your plans."

Updates

Long time since my last update, huh? A lot happened and I kinda forgot about my posts here.
Where should I start?...
Okay, I'm going for the most recent news first!!
I'm currently writing from my new station, located in a possible new informatics department at Sociedade Brasileira de Progresso da Ciência! (SBPC) I'm going to start working here, but for now I'm moving the equipaments to this room - technically I'm already set here - and making some backups, before I can finally format, reinstall all stuff and begin to do something. It seems to be a nice environment, despite Thiago, Paulinho and Fernanda scared me about stressing times.
I hope those things don't happen much often, but it's going to be good. I'm going to earn a humble wage, but it's going to be for a greater goal!
Valentines happened last week and I wasn't really prepare for that. Even though I had like.. 2 or 3 weeks, I didn't know what to do and delayed on starting to do something. Well, I'm still working on it and soon it will be finished! (I hope)
The backup is done for now. I'm going to write more and keep my blog up to date as soon as I remember and have some free time!

Reflecting travel

I've gone to my uncle's farm this weekend due to my cousin's wedding lunch, but I wasn't much into it.
All along the travel, I was into reflections. Reflections about myself.
Despite I can think some stuff, the real thing is here. Inside.
It's always going to be there.
I must let it be.
I have to think about myself, to make things worthy, to live.
It doesn't mean they're, as a whole thing, excluding things from my concepts, but I couldn't separate them before. This and that were only one thing for me. I thought it wasn't possible to have one without the other.
I hope this summer be a bit different.
(I've just noticed that whenever I'm not completely straight on the point, I still write in a hard coded way...)

Less than a month

On the next 20th it's going to be 2 years since I've first met Aurianna. So much has happened along this time, good and bad memories make me notice how I've grown, not only myself, but Auri too. She's a gifted and blessed person, I have no doubt about it.

A new dream

Last night I dreamed about Auri. We were talking as usual in msn, but she told me things that made me really happy. ^^

Changes

Auri has changed a bit after she met Bath again. She is so sad now.. I have just noticed what she needs a very few ago and pondering about what I did, maybe I was making it worse. That's sad and that's what she doesn't want...
Last night, before going to bed, I thought about it and about what to do. I thought on listing them here, to not forget about them, but I just feel that if I so, they would be so meaningless for when I do something.
I have to remember everything whenever I read this.

A note to myself

Whenever I have to give my trust upon someone, I should think on the time I've known them and about their character, their personality. To know whether the person is really trusty or not and avoid getting into a rush.

To blog

Dear blog, (Haha I always wanted to write a diary, but as I'm too lazy to write one I'll write here then! XP)

I feel that I grew up a bit lately. I've faced and gone through so much in the last months that I've changed.. a lot more than if it all didn't happen. It's hard, it's really hard when I was into it. I was no optimistic at all. But now I'm out of that hard time. I'm glad it all happened for what is up now. I feel so good and lucky and special.. and happy again! She makes me feel my heart beating harder in my chest. She makes me believe Eden exists and it's made for us. She turns me into another person, a better person, who doesn't need anything else at all. She may not know or believe it, but she does it..
I feel not so shy on talking more. I mean, I'm still shy and I don't talk a lot, but I'm improving it. I'm trying to face more challenges and learn from them.
Oh, yeah, I've talked to Auri's mom!! She is amazing! She is a very nice person who minds about others and wants their good. I loved her! ^^
Well, I think I'll stop for now because I need to do some stuff.
See you!
Shoyu.

The missing talk

I've got a nice afternoon with Auri. We've talked about some things I wanted, for some time, to say her and that wasn't that bad as I thought it would be. I think that's what she does, anyway. A gentle, warm and soothing blow.
Have I already said it before? I feel that I'm becoming a very emo person. I don't really like it, but I cried when I talked with her. In the loyal part. I said it's not that good at all, but I didn't told her the resons for that. It's because it hurts when it's over. A budhism saying states that if something happens, it's suposed to happen. It kinda soothes my heart about it.
We've also played some Neopets. It was fun! XD My Dashiwo was stronger than her Aliazse at first, but then she ended overcoming my pet. I gotta get more on it! Lol
In general, I enjoyed talking with her. I was missing it and I got kinda fulfilled with it. ^^

Weakness

I know nobody comes here, and I hope nobody read this because I don't like showing people how weak I am inside.
What's up is that I am sad now. And the reason for that is feeling lonely. It's not only it, tho. I wish I were rational all the times, such that I wouldn't suffer this much, but it's something that makes me human.
I was going to write an email to Auri, telling her about it, but I don't know if it's a good thing. She has her own life. Fine, I suppose. I don't want to bother her about my silly feelings. I still can't tell someone else about myself, as I did with her, tho.
There are two persons that help me a lot.. specially lately. The first one is Janiliz. She's my very best friend, despite she doesn't think the same. She's not being online so much lately, so she's much aware about my stuff, lately. The other one is Allison. She's been the person that has mostly taken care of me on these hard days. She's a good girl and I hope I can give her back, somehow, all the help she's giving me.
But when nobody is there, I feel so weak. All I can do is to hold my tears.
I'm getting a fake person, for pretending that everything is alright when it's not...
If I just had someone I completely trust, to tell all I feel...
If just a single person...