Work, and work, and work....

There's a lot to be done. And nobody will do it for me.

I did a lot this month. Organized my room and living room. Researched on Raspberry Pi and electronics. Edited some Wikipedia articles and organized some files on my computer.

I'm far away to the ideal state, but given how tired I become doing it all, I might take a break from those. Then I caught myself thinking how much work I can do now, and all the work I could have done if I wasn't wasting my time when I was younger. Well, I'm glad I didn't have the power to do more before or I would go nuts.

Sunday

It all started with a piece of paper. Two names on it.

Three states away from home and after tripping all day long, we got into the castle, safe from the cold drizzle. After checking all kind of  swords, daggers, knives and coats of arms, the beard man, a blacksmith, wrote them. Two books.

Azincourt, by Bernard Cornwell, and Warriors of God - Richard the Lionheart and Saladin in the Third Crusade, by James Reston Jr., are their names.

Two months later, here I was taking the paper from my desk, when I noticed the mess on it can be sorted. Well, without all the paper that was put somewhere else, the job didn't last long. But hey, since my parents aren't home to forbid me, I could also organize the living room. And I did. Books moved from one place to another, cables regrouped, and electronic devices inspected, not necessarily in this order nor limited to these.

Finished the living room, I was back to sort the computer files (I was already doing it before finding the paper), when my parents arrived and asked me to do some groceries. After waiting half an hour on line, I come back one hour later and was back to my pending tasks, including answer the questionnaire from a research I'm volunteering.

Then dinner, some study about Android stuff and a failed attempt to take a picture from moon and Venus.

It was quite a shallow day, wasn't it?

Missed, part 1

Dear blog,

looks like I forgot about you, but I didn't. In fact I've been thinking about you, about sharing my stories and my secrets. And here I am. I must confess, you're not the only onde who has been lacking news from this reckless writer.

Over the last days I've been missing talking to my friend (uh... my long term crush) since she haven't replied much lately. Maybe she got mad because I've been playing too much lately...

The thing is: since this is a new month, I'm going to work on organising myself and I'm starting with organising my room and learning the basics from french. Moreover, this is my friend's birthday. I wonder what would be a good gift for her.

Well, I'm sleepy and I'll stop here for now, but I'll write you again, soon.

Raf

Why I can't be antisocial anymore

The problem of being casually social is that some people may think I'm a social person.

There was a time when I had the antisocial pride. I wanted to be different due to several reasons. And then I became a lonely and sad person without even being aware about it.

There are different people in different moments. Those who I can't tolerate, those who I tolerate, but can't accept, those who I accept, but don't care, and those who I care. Sometimes I need to know all those who I don't tolerate, accept or care, so I can figure out how good it is to be with those I care.

Dude, give up

There are some thoughts of mine that wants me to give up.

For a while already, I've been obsessed on a crush. She's a quite long term friend, she's intelligent and cool. There isn't anything else I've been thinking of lately than to get to talk to her and know her better and see how she looks like. I don't do anything else than to talk to her, but I'm thinking on her all the time.

She has already told me (or that's how I interpreted) to not be so hopeful because she's afraid of being rejected, but I can't remember of any sign of rejection I gave her. Sometimes I take a long while to reply, but that's because I try to think on stuff before saying. I'm a slow thinker, specially because I don't know a lot of stuff and I try to ponder everything, I must say. Or maybe I made her angry because I couldn't stay awake when we were talking, or, because of my bad routine timing, I couldn't let her sleep in her own time.

Ugh! I have to clean my mind and kill those worst scenario worms. They're eating me alive!

Self pitty

I'm a cry baby. Yes, I'm a cry baby. And it sucks.

Well, what do people usually do with their anger? Get mad? Spill curse words? Start a fight? Break everything? Seek revenge?

What do I do with my anger? I swallow it. Silent, coward and afraid like a dog with his tail between his legs running away from the harm.

Why? Anger is provoked by some action or its result, usually a person. Sometimes this person has some intentions, while others, they don't. And then I question my own feeling. Why am I angry? Why do I have to be angry? And so on.

Is it a good thing to acquire understanding from that situation, and act that way? Or is it better to be a person with attitude and fight back, because it would be a story to proudly tell?

Jealous

For some reason, I'm even more hopeless today...

My dad's message

"Son, don't listen to those intellectuals. You're as dumb as I am."

That's what he told me in my mind, except for the fact that he wouldn't make it sound wise if he did it himself.

Why bother about coding?

If someone wants to do something a better way than me, why do I have to bother about it?

Suppose it's some different way to code a computer system. Maybe one could learn a new trick. Or maybe it could tell you about the person themselves.

But in the end, it all could be just some pile of software that probably won't work on new technologies anymore...

"Thoughts unsaid

then forgotten"

Pessimist's mistake

I'm a pessimist. Of all possibilities, the worst.

It's troublesome to think that if we consider the worst scenario, whatever comes will be better than expectations. My reason behind that, at first, was to be able to celebrate when it was actually meant to. In other words, to stay skeptic when there is chance of failure and celebrate only when I'm completely sure of success. But the thing is real life doesn't really work that way.

I was reflecting about last post and I got into the conclusion that pessimism took place. Given the lack of communication, the night monsters started to act inside my mind, giving me bad thoughts when reality might be completely the opposite. I can't say it is, but the possibility exists, doesn't it?

I know I'm not perfect and I make a lot of stupid things, but I want to give her my affection, to take care of her, to make her good.

Sticky

Of all my friends, there's only one who I want to talk to, but I get no answer. In the hope to start a talk I send her messages, but she doesn't reply me. And it's been for longer than a week. I'll stop because I feel like I'm flooding her and that she doesn't really want to reply those messages. It's a bit saddening when the person you to talk to doesn't really want to talk back, but I don't know. Maybe they way I am actually bothers her? Maybe I'm a sticky (and desolate) guy? Or am I a person who just do everything wrong? I hope the answer to all of these questions is negative, but I can't say it for sure. And in the case of positives, well, all I can do is to have sad thoughts about it, just like all the other times in my life...

The end of an addiction

I stopped playing Heroes of Newerth.

I wasted hundreds of hours in my life playing this game and complained about my addiction many, many times. And then, I've finally decided to stop. It's not only for now, but for as long as I have important stuff to do. And it implies resisting the abstinence syndrome.

Whenever I feel the need to rest a bit, I'll just watch something, just like the good old times. And hopefully talk to this friend of mine I like to talk to.

Reward System

<p dir="ltr">I'm addicted.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Heroes of Newerth is an online real time strategy game where two teams duel with each other for the victory. It's based on DotA and has a more popular sister, LoL. When my friends started playing it in mid 2009, it was closed to beta testers and they were playing all the time, at the institute. I wasn't. I started after they stopped, I'd play with random people out there, easily connected with our global network.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Ever since I started playing, I could briefly stop only once, for about a year. But only recently, after reading a testimonial commenting about the addicted common phrase "I'm in charge and I can stop any time", I figured out how bad my addiction is. Well, I have had a much worse time, when I sincerely couldn't stop playing. I'd skip classes and stop going outside just for the sake of playing this game. My eyes got damaged because I wouldn't get away from the computer screen. I became a vegetable.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Not the time to stop has come again. And I must make it definitive. There are many other things to be done away from this game. What things? I don't know. I mean, I know, but I don't what are the things I'm going to do. Those that motivates me, you know. But again, I don't know what are those things.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I know I need to plan for the near and far future, but it means to work. What about enjoying the moment for a bit? Well, that's what I've been doing last year; enjoying. But nothing seems to satisfy me anymore. Looks like I have no perspective, no goals towards which I can build myself. It's hopeless. </p>

I wonder if there are rewards I can go after.

Sleep?

I have to wake up at 4am, went to bed at midnight, it's 2am right now and I couldn't sleep so far.

It's funny how I had many interesting ideas in the worst timing. I thought about solving public transportation using computer systems, about studying methodologies of refactoring (possibly studying design patterns), and thought about life, like moving out, moving to another state, looking for jobs wherever I am, thought about my love life, how lonely I am, and how I'm screwed with my bad sleep habit.

After reviewing my habits, I figured out I've been exchanging my sleep time with entertaining things, in special, playing Heroes of Newerth. It's a horrible exchange, from the health perspective, but how can I have a sane life, with all this stress? (Actually, I haven't pointed out my stress sources here, but I might do it sometime. Or not.)

I guess I'll just try to take a nap...

Struggling decisions

Looks like my unconscious has a huge influence in my decisions than my conscious. In special, my heart seems to lead them.

I don't really have knowledge about anything, and more than that, my audio perception seems to be compromised. I don't really know if it's the receiving device, or the signal processing. I believe it's the later. It looks like the parallel process management is malfunctioning and automatically switches to another process when it was supposed to be constructing the mental model of what people is saying. Or, maybe, it's a fault in my short to mid term memory, when the immediate perception transfers the memory to an intermediate memory, so it can be reviewed and analysed some time later. Or it might even be the garbage collector working quite heavily. I mean, the garbage collector works according to what my inner filter system consider a waste. Maybe it's a problem I'm my filter, which, after dealing with so much garbage, it's been instigated to consider almost everything a waste.

With such a big flaw, how can I consciously make decisions, if I can't really have the complete description of everything related to the problems? Since life can't really wait until I can fill the holes with truth, I use my imaginary to fill them with imagination, or just leave them as bare holes, which seems to happen most of the time.

And then I ask myself. How can I feed my soul and my heart with technical knowledge about computer systems? I definitely cannot and this is one of the reasons I need changes so much...

So many, so few, right now

I have so many to express, but I don't know where to start. Okay, I think I know. I can't live an adult life with a 6 years old kid mindset, even though I would love to be at that age.

There is this girl I know for a long while already and I really like her, I've never met her before, other than instant messaging, and I've never ever seen her face before, but I still like her, not from now, but from years ago. I asked her about her feelings towards me twice, but she never replied me in the first time, and on the second time I didn't wait enough for her to answer me. I know sometime we don't really know our feelings, but I'm so desperate to know what she feels about me. I don't know why I'm so desperate, but I am...

I'm also stressed with the pressure on being rich from my parents. Dude, I wish I could be instantly rich, but I can't, you know. I wish I could make and endless bag of money. Can't they get rich themselves? I'm also frustrated I can't get rich instantly, but I have to work hard, instead, you know.

And my own inner problems. My memory seems to be failing so bad lately. I think it's due to all this stress and lack of a healthy routine for way too long...

Dramatic dream

Last night I had quite a dramatic dream. I hit my dad's car, he was cheating on my mom, my ex came to Brazil with her mom, and my life history was inside a slam. But the thing is this was the most realistic dream I had for a long while. I don't know if it's worth writing or not, but since my life's a bore, my dreams seem to be quite interesting sometimes.

2013

Cough cough! Dust and spider webs in here! "It's been a while since my last post." I bet this (or something like this) is the most popular phrase of the blog'o'sphere.

Should I make an auto retrospection of 2012, saying everything I didn't say that year, like all my way on the work on a project with my friends everyday, my undergraduation cerimony, my travels, my game addiction? Nah. And why not? Because I don't have to. Man, it's so good to do whatever comes to our mind!! Unfortunately, this seems to be the only place I can do it. No responsibilities at all, nobody seeing it, and all the blankspace I can have, to infinity and beyond. In other words, Freedom!!

I've just watched a movie called A Mulher Invisível ("The Invisible Woman"), which is about a guy passionated to his wife, who cheats on him, breaks up and move away with another one. He then tries to move on and one day he founds the woman of this dreams, a perfect one, and wants to marry her. His friend notices his weird behaviors and found out about this woman, who doesn't actually exist, except for the imaginary of the main character. He then gets rid of the imaginary woman, but his neighbour starts to appear in his life. I won't write any further to not spoil myself.

Well, that's a quite nice movie. I suppose feminists won't like it that much, but it explores a bit of men's desires. Romantic desires. Sure thing is there is a lot of jerks, but most men is after a women because they want a lifetime company who can be trusted all his secrets, a company to all those moments we wished to have someone besides us, a friend who would stick with us on good and bad moments. Men won't admit and such a thing won't ever be noticeable, but a man's biggest misery is the lack of a woman.

Mmm.. these are quite some thoughts to start the year, huh?

Each new year is a good time to think of big plans for that time span. Even though many of them can't or won't be done, it's always good to keep them in mind, so we keep track of our life. There was a time last year when I felt completely numb, for a much longer time than I've ever been before, and I couldn't really think ahead of present, no matter how much I'd try. I might be obvious in some people's mind but I'll say it: It's bad.

My plans for this year is to look for a job with a favorable revenue/stress ratio and start working on my calm life, hopefully happy, someday...

Meh, practical life is so boring! I'd rather imagination and fantasy!